Would you choose to live in presence today?
When a woman tests a man and she is coming from her feminine essence, she is testing him because she loves him, not to make him wrong. She is urging him to attain his greatness, to give his true gift in the world, rather than sit around watching TV or begging her for sex or making excuses. She wants love making, not sex, with a man who knows his divine purpose and lives it. This is why she tests him.
This is not to say that the cycles of testing do not ease in their amplitude, but as David Deida proclaims in his awesome book, “The Way of the Superior Man,” feminine women never stop testing their man and that is the secret, for both men and women. When you know they will never stop, because they shouldn’t, you can relax and be present and simply live happily with your woman and love her completely. (Note: Deida points out that the same theory applies in relationships of all kinds and polarities, but this is written for the masculine man and feminine woman. In this article, I share my take on David’s major concepts and add inspired understandings of my own and the entire section on medical and psychiatric causes of non-presence, which should not have been left out of his book in my opinion.)
You do not want her to stop testing you, because you want your woman to be the complete, complex woman that she is. Without that polarity, she would be boring and she’s not, because she is a real woman born to test you, to move you off your butt and onto your dime in life.
I’ve witnessed that personal growth can dampen the sharpness of the testing as experienced by both the man and the woman, but again, the goal is absolutely not to remove the tests, because you want her to test you, to move you to your greatness as a human being and as a man when you lose your mark. This is part of her expression of presence, her languaging of presence in the divine feminine way. You provide your “masculine presence” as I’ll call it in return as she needs it as well. Her testing is simply an expression of her “feminine presence” as I’ll call it. Seeing the truth and acting on it is all a part of presence in my view. The key is to see past the emotional content to the truth that sets you free as you allow yourself to hear her feminine voice.
And of course, you can and should get back on your dime through your own commitment to being present too, but if you don’t, she won’t let you down by not testing you. Wimpy men call this nagging when it’s not. Nagging over trivia is something completely different and has nothing to do with the divine feminine. Feminine women test; they do not nag.
When the ocean is stirred and whether it is “that time of the month” or not (that hormonal back story is immaterial and is an excuse for men to hide from the truth), a man remains present for his woman with appropriate humor, caresses, and attention to her needs. You do not give in to her every need, because that is also a test. When you give into a need and in doing so violate your truth, she knows it, and she will love you less, not more, for giving into her. Remember that this is about the truth, not about either party getting what he/she selfishly wants.
Feminine truth telling is not a hiding place for women who want to be emotional for no reason and remain girls. This is not a concept of copping out and acting out. The emotion, the passion and the intensity serve a purpose; they serve the truth. The feminine essence is about truth telling and when it’s not, the man needs to stand for his truth and not waver. Yes, that is tricky, because both you and she have to distinguish standing in truth and being stubborn.
If there is a consistent pattern of non-presence and untruths, then the relationship is dying or dead and intervention is needed. The person you are with may have either a physical disorder or a personality disorder, which in the latter case can respond to intensive psychotherapy according to the National Institute of Mental Health (and I say also to commitment to presence), but the person has to want it. They must want healing and presence in their life.
The other possibility that must be ruled out are medical causes of emotional non-presence, which can be caused by hormonal imbalances in many women. Female hormone imbalances generally can occur any time after the age of 35, much earlier than most women realize, and certain hormone producing tumors can also cause major imbalances.
If there is no medical cause, then a personality disorder may be the issue. One of the unfortunate hallmarks of personality disorders is the lack of self-insight and the unwillingness such a person has to do his/her own inner work. They may even vilify the person bringing their issue of untruthfulness to attention. If a person with such a disorder is truly committed to change, healing can occur, but if not, do not seek to change who they are. Unless invited, you are not the other person’s healer.
In the absence of medical causes, if she tells numerous untruths over and over or even a significant untruth again and again, and does not yield to your presence no matter how consistently present you are, then you must question the relationship itself. Relationships are about growth and if both partners are not committed to growth, then the relationship has no life. No, I am not talking about running at the first sign of trouble. That is fear based.
What if she is telling the truth while being emotional? Then she is attempting to shift your perspective, so you see the truth that is there to be seen. Your actions will then be aligned with your new truth, which happens to be hers as well. You do not fight truth whether it arises from the core of your being or from hers. You stay with her and wait for the waves to pass through, floating in presence on the sea of her femininity. You are not just a man after all, you are a humble yet “superior man.” She is your divine feminine counterpart, masterfully designed to guide you to your greatest self and highest consciousness.
So if she delivers her truth emotionally, LISTEN intently! Hear whether it is actually untruth or just an uncomfortable truth that you have yet to learn. That is, is she in fact right?
Remember men, the testing will never stop no matter how evolved we or our feminine women become. It is not supposed to stop and that is the fun and the glory of our feminine women who bathe us clean in their “feminine presence.” It is how we meet each test that counts. Yes, you could run from the tests, but if you stay and meet her “feminine presence” with your “masculine presence,” you will both experience a truly healing and joyous relationship.
Would you choose to live in presence today?
If you would like to learn more about the “how to” of living in presence, be sure to take my course. It’s described on my homepage here (please scroll down a bit when you get there): The Course
NOTE: I am a physician by training but the above article does not represent medical or psychological advice. It represents my opinion on presence.
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The beautiful photo of the feminine woman is titled “Anya” and is from:
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